The Complete Guide to Everything
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The Complete Guide to Everything



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Now displaying: 2012
Dec 31, 2012

This week Tim has had enough of Christmas and would like you all to stop even though Christmas ended nearly a week ago. Also Tom becomes a member of a museum and feels pretty smug about it. In this episode the guys discuss the movies of 2012, including Sleepwalk with Me, Moonrise Kingdom, The Dark Knight Rises, The Avengers, Underworld, Red Tails, Chronicle, Ghost Rider, Wanderlust, A Thousand Words, 21 Jump Street, The Hunger Games, Cabin in the Woods, Dark Shadows, The Dictator, Battleship, Men in Black 3 and Life of Pi. It is important to note that neither Tim nor Tom have seen the majority of the movies discussed.

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Dec 24, 2012

2012 was a crazy year in entertainment, what with all of those wacky celebrities getting into hilarious or tragic scrapes, that we decided to recap the year's biggest stories. We talk all about Jay-Z & Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan, Hulk Hogan, Amanda Bynes, Jessica Simpson and some other folks we don't really know much about to sort out what was hot in 2012.

We also discuss our mixed feelings about the lack of an apocalypse this year and how we would hope the end of the world to play out. 

Oh, and we also go over Tim's twitter "feud" with none other than 80s icon Richard Marx, who listened to our episode about him and took offense to many of Tim's comments.

Dec 16, 2012

This week Tim proposes all December holidays be boiled down into a 1 hour surprise celebration and Tom goes to a Richard Marx concert. We also discuss The Hobbit, commercial jingles, remarking when brothers look like each other, and Tom has trouble accepting that Regis Philbin isn't coming back. Additionally we solve a problem about a man's fear of flying.

To consider donating to help the ongoing relief in some of the communities hardest hit by Hurricane Sandy please visit Respond and Rebuild at

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Dec 10, 2012

On a very special episode, we discuss two beloved Christmas specials: Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas and Frosty the Snowman. Of course, these conversations devolve into Tim's problems with the current state of the Muppets, his feelings about the problems with eight year olds today and an indictment of magicians in general.

Also, we talk about the perils of doing hard drugs and sleeping under a bridge, and solve a problem from a listener involving taking sexy pictures of a lady to raise money for an engagement ring.

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Dec 3, 2012

This week we cover the holiday TV specials: How The Grinch Stole Christmas, The Polar Express, A Charlie Brown Christmas, I Want a Dog for Christmas Charlie Brown, and The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Also, we discuss leftover antibiotics, Tom has a furniture mover steal $0.25 from him, Tim describes his perfect piece of furniture, whether Alfred Hitchcock and The 3 Stooges are alive still, why Derek Jeter doesn't beat himself up over errors, misunderstanding Bea Arthur as a drag queen as a child, 50 Shades of Tim update and we solve a problem involving a grandson not wanting his grandpa to send him to space camp.

Nov 25, 2012

In this thrilling conclusion to last week's episode, we talk more about the experience of moving. Instead of complaining about movers, we complain about the insane world of New York City brokers and give some tips on how to deal with them.

Also, Tom has a less than ideal trip to a sushi restaurant with his family and Tim comes up with a foolproof idea to prevent being murdered in your sleep. In a new installment of Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems, we get in the middle of a roommate-related love triangle.

Nov 19, 2012

Tom forgets the intro, we talk sweaters, cautious optimism for Girl Meets World, and an explanation of how terrible Tim and Tom were as teenagers before getting the main topic at hand: Moving. Tim and Tom discuss movers constantly dealing with the most stressed out people in the world, Tom's fascination with negative Yelp reviews for movers, movers nowadays all being skinny guys, Tim being duped into helping his movers move, counting money, and a barking dog problem is solved.

Nov 12, 2012

Earlier this week, the world heard the news that a new installment of a little-seen art house film from the 70s called Star Wars is in the works. The internet exploded with excitement at the prospect of a new sequel in a series that people absolutely hate exactly half of. In this episode, we talk about the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII, as well as the cult of Star Wars in general. 

Also in this episode, Tom informs Tim of his legal obligation to always record the podcast while wearing a shirt, and Tim regrets giving Tom power of attorney. Also, Tom takes steroids for a week and gets unexpectedly emotional. Finally, we present a new installment of Fifty Shades of Tim, in which things really start getting gross.

Nov 5, 2012

It's been a week since our episode recorded right before Hurricane Sandy hit New York City. The good news is that this week we were able to be in the same physical space to record! The bad news is that Hurricane Sandy devastated our city. We discuss our own personal experiences during the storm (spoiler alert: neither of us were affected much more than mildly inconvenienced), the 24 hours news cycle making everyone think everything is over-hyped and Tim almost gets punched in the face while waiting in a long line for gasoline. Also Tom visits the Brooklyn Botanical Garden for the first time and discovers it's just full of horrible children. We also solve a listener problem concerning trick or treating as an adult/non-child.

Oct 29, 2012

This week we get completely interrupted by a Frankenstorm hurricane named Sandy. While many lesser podcasts would say, "Sorry everyone, we can't record this week." We said, "Sorry everyone, we can't record this week." and then did a Live Google+ Hangout anyway. If you really want to fully experience this episode you'll watch it on our YouTube page since there are a few visual jokes and the audio is kinda sorta terrible. However, we do discuss our new apartments, hurricane preparedness and not much else in this terrible fake episode.

Oct 22, 2012

This week we're talking extreme stunts. From Felix Baumgartner's extreme jumping out of a space capsule to David Blane's getting electrocuted by 1 million volts for 72 hours, October has been a month more extreme than most could even imagine. But are these extremes acts of heroics, or do they just require someone being stupid enough to try? Also this week a million-dollar idea for running a kissing brothel, Tim discusses trying to help out Greg Kinnear while sitting in the audience of Late Night with Conan O'Brien and instructions about how you could possibly win a $50,000 cash prize by coming to our live show in New York City at The PIT on November 16th! (Disclaimer: You can't.)

Oct 14, 2012

Hey, let's get down to business here. Week after week, Tim and Tom spend an hour talking about a bunch of nonsense that, frankly, isn't all that important. Well, all that is going to change this week. Finally, we sit down and talk about something of substance: the 2012 Presidential Election, the most important election of any of our lives.

Of course, before getting into the issues, we talk about Tim's new health kick. Oh, and Tom getting slapped in the face on a subway. And also we talk a bit about a very interesting new costume he spent a lot of money on for Halloween this year. And then real quick we talk about DNA testing.

But then, finally, we talk about the important issues of our day. Well, first we do another installment of the hot new segment Fifty Shades of Tim, in which things start getting pretty sleazy. After that, though, it's time for a brutally honest political conversation. Just as soon as Tim explains his idea for an explosive ending to our NYC live show on November 16th.

So, listen to this episode for a frank discussion of the important issues of the day and then get out and vote!

Oct 7, 2012

October's the time for outdoor autumnal activities. In Tom's case that means traveling to Long Island to tour wineries, go pumpkin picking, visiting a corn maze and running into Arnold Schwarzenegger in Manhattan. In Tim's case that means going to the Bronx to walk around a cemetery at night with a bunch of elderly people, which of course leads to a debate about the reality Michael Jackson's Thriller video is set in.

This week Tom recounts his recent trip to Chicago and the midwest for the first time ever where he discovers how big lakes can be (really big), the numerous ways entrepreneurs are ripping off the Chicago Cubs, and lazy facial hair. Also the guys solve a listener problem concerning what type of gift is appropriate for a new "fauxmance's" birthday.

Sep 30, 2012

Tim and Tom are seasoned concert-goers, and this week they share some of their experiences, tips and gripes about going to see some of today's hottest rock and roll outfits. In this episode, we talk mostly about Tom's experience at a charity concert featuring Neil Young and the Foo Fighters, and a Radiohead concert 12 years ago at which Tim and Tom became true friends.

We also reflect on how we've each become the boring jerks at concerts we hated when we were teenagers and share tips for sneaking alcohol into shows and getting a refund at any concert you go to. In addition, we discuss Tom's hibernation habits and Tim's annual week-long stint at Math Camp. 

Finally, in another installment of Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems, we tackle a situation in which a listener thinks his girlfriend is being hit on at work.

Sep 23, 2012

This week the guys decide to take a look at three products defining the future of technology: The iPhone 5, MakerBot and Google Glasses. Before anything of substance is discussed though some housekeeping takes place in the form of Tim being admonished for last week's episode and Steven Tyler leaving the show. Later Tim is compared to a low-rent Watson who can't wait an extra day for his iPhone 5 to arrive, followed by discussion of texting via morse code and the time Tim was stuck up in the crow's nest of a cruise ship.

Moving onto MakerBot, Tim and Tom pitch the idea making robots with feelings so kids have someone else to bully before Tim reveals that he's actually owned a 3D printer since 1987. Can you use a MakerBot to make horrific weapons? Apparently. The episode is then wrapped up with by laying out the simple fact that Google Glasses are for assholes, and some action finally almost happens, sort of, on Fifty Shades of Tim.

Sep 18, 2012

On this week’s episode of The Complete Guide to Everything, we talk about the dating scene and go over some of the finer points of wooing a lady. Look, we realize it’s tough out there, finding a gal and convincing her to give you a shot, so naturally we consult the internet and go through the foolproof steps as outlined by

We should probably mention that Tim probably drank too much whiskey before we recorded, and talks about a number of things that should probably stay private, but since this episode was uploaded a day late (the reasons for which we discuss at length), we’re trudging ahead with the episode as is.

In another installment of Fifty Shades of Tim, Tom describes another chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey in which things finally start getting hot and heavy in an elevator, prompting Tim to sing the hits of Aerosmith and reminisce about his time spent on Aerosmith’s Rock n’ Rollercoaster. We also solve a problem from a Bay Area woman who has some issues with a neighbor’s dogs in Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems.

Sep 9, 2012

Look, sometimes you want to do a podcast that will be informative and comprehensive, covering a topic in-depth and teaching the world a thing or two. And sometimes you'd rather discuss your feelings about former Family Feud host Richard Dawson and talk about carrying around a large stick of pepperoni in case you want a quick snack sometime. This week's episode falls into the latter category.

In a freewheeling discussion, Tim and Tom talk about working in a butcher shop, lewd jokes made by game show hosts, the problem with American cheese and boat murders, among other things. Also, Tom has some complaints about the way he was treated when he went to get an eye exam.

This week we also have another installment of our segment Fifty Shades of Tim, in which Tom explains Fifty Shades of Grey to Tim one chapter at a time, and we answer a listeners' question about a wedding gift in this week's Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems.

Sep 2, 2012

High concept experimental episode time! This week Tom bets Tim that if he watches 3 hand selected episodes of Doctor Who (Blink, The 11th Hour and Victory of the Daleks) he'd be bound to like it. Will he succumb? Well we're certainly not going to tell you here, that would be giving spoilers! Oh, also be careful for the end of this episode as it gives a bunch of spoilers for the first episode of Series 7: Asylum of the Daleks.

Aug 27, 2012

Have you all been following the latest celebrity gossip? No? That's okay, because this week Tim and Tom get you all caught up on what you need to know about the brightest stars in all of showbiz. From Snooki's new baby to Lance Armstrong's fall from grace, there is literally no other place on the internet to hear about celebrities and their exploits. One would think that a fertile topic like celebrity news would be well covered on various blogs and news sites, but we checked, and it turns out that this podcast is the only place to hear about it. 

Well, actually, first Tim has some gripes about a fellow diner at a recent brunch and Tom has a story about some B-list celebs at a terrible product launch. But then we get right to the boldface names and deliver the Hollywood gossip you crave!

Oh, actually before that we have another installment of our new segment "Fifty Shades of Tim," in which Tom explains the plot of a certain popular smutty book to Tim, two chapters at a time. But then it's time for some gossip! 

But that's not all! In this super-sized episode, we answer a listener's query about a pot smoking father in our Peabody Award winning segment "Tim & Tom Solve Your Problems" and then reveal next week's topic and ask for your help in preparing for it.

Aug 20, 2012

We can all agree that one of the biggest fears in the civilized world is falling from an elevator right? This week in one of their rare times Tim and Tom actually saw each other outside the podcast, they found themselves stuck inside a berserk elevator that refused to let them out for 30 minutes, all the while toying with their fear of imminent death.

This week Tom also discusses the many previously unknown widows he has, a frank discussion on the non-sexual feats that "doggy-style" should refer to and how easy it is to eat 40 Chicken McNuggets everyday when you're 17 years old. We also mark the first in many installments of a new segment titled 'Tom Explains Fifty Shades of Grey to Tim'.

Aug 13, 2012

Look, if you have any chance of getting ahead in this world, you're probably going to have to work for free for some jerks for a year or two, getting their coffee, opening their mail and, more often than not, kissing them on the mouth once or twice. In this episode, we share our internship experiences which should give you a good idea of how not to approach your own internships.

Listen to hear Tim talk about the record label he interned at getting sold halfway through his work there, resulting in two months of fetching beer for sad people who were about to be unemployed. Also, Tom talks about possibly almost getting killed by the police during a misunderstanding on the set of America's Most Wanted.

We also talk about how flirting with strangers on the subway is like playing the board game "Perfection", dirty movies that only involve kissing and we solve a listener's problem regarding making new friends as an adult.

On next week's episode we'll be discussing the literary sensation and all-around pile of garbage, Fifty Shades of Grey. So if you want to follow along at home, be sure to pick up that book this week and give it a good, filthy reading.

Aug 6, 2012

This week we talk: Splitsider Podcast Network! Then we talk about Vampires, Draculas, Greek mythology, peaking at bar trivia night, Romania, finding out that vampire people don't like Twilight, Paul Simon's Graceland as a characterature of African music, Tim accuses Tom of being into vampires, Tom's cloak budget, vampires being the result of the internet not being around, erogenous zones, True Blood, elaborate nude puppets, using virgin boys and stallions to find vampires in a graveyard, shooting a bullet through a casket, severing tendons, guessing how horrible Romania is and full of sad ice cream trucks, putting a head between your butt, Casper never forgets, poppy seeds and sand and OCD, swamp things, un-undead, resistant cases, being afraid of someone choking on their own vomit and having to turn them over, making sure people don't become vampires and also not killing them, saxons just put a lemon in your mouth, burying Tim alive, why vampires can't come in unless you invite them, vampires are anxious, tasting your own blood, how hard it would be to put a stake through someone's heart, Tom names all the erogenous zones, crashing funerals with your dogs, a follow-up on Bozo the clown at the Williamsburg italian festival, Tim reveals his secret childhood desire to be a clown, a problem where a guy wants to move out to marry his girlfriend but is worried about what will happen to his roommate, before talking more about Splitsider.

Jul 30, 2012

Tom and a very sick Tim talk about the Olympics and naturally have a lot of questions about various events (mostly about the possibility of awarding medals to horses). Also, Tim talks chicken fingers and Tom reveals his past as an expert shotputter. There is a minor dispute regarding Summer Sanders and then we solve some listeners' problems.

Jul 23, 2012

A spoiler-free review of The Dark Knight Rises, how old is Alfred, a lesser IMAX, the problem with Baskin Robbins inside of Dunkin' Donuts, peeing during a movie, novelty home signs, a preview of The Complete Guide to Everything: After Dark with Algernon, Tim orders a breakfast wrap and learns that he's an old man, and a long, in-depth dissection of the New York Times' latest style piece about Williamsburg.

Jul 15, 2012

This week, we discuss the ins and outs of upcoming art film The Dark Knight Rises. Tom defends his Batman obsession to a skeptical Tim, and gushes over the new movie even though he hasn't seen it. We also go through some internet theories about the movie and discuss the possibility of making one's own utility belt. In addition, we talk about a street fair Tim recently went to and speculate about the private lives of dunk tank clowns and sausage vendors.

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